The Cost of Intense Mothering: Why Trying to Do It All Is Leaving Us Depleted
In today’s world, motherhood is often painted as a picture of boundless love, unyielding commitment, and selfless sacrifice. This ideal, often referred to as “intense mothering,” might sound admirable, but it’s a concept that demands more from mothers than ever before. It’s the pressure to be the perfect mom, friend, partner, and professional, all while maintaining an immaculate home, a vibrant social life, and taking time for self-care. But instead of making us happier, intense mothering is leaving many of us feeling burnt out, guilty, and constantly anxious.
Let’s unpack why this phenomenon is taking such a toll on our generation of mothers and how we might reframe our approach to lighten the load.
What Is Intense Mothering?
Intense mothering is a term used to describe an approach that emphasizes self-sacrifice, constant attentiveness, and hands-on involvement in every aspect of a child’s life. This concept has been around in various forms, but the expectations around it have only increased over time. The modern mom is often expected to be fully present, emotionally available, endlessly patient, and relentlessly supportive, all while being highly engaged in personal and professional pursuits. And in today’s hyper-connected world, it’s easy to feel like you’re constantly falling short.
Social media fuels this phenomenon as well. The curated feeds of perfectly styled homes, “effortless” family outings, and mothers who seem to be doing it all with a smile make it harder than ever not to compare. When we see other moms crushing it—or so it seems—our own lives can feel like a mess in comparison. What we don’t see is the mental, emotional, and physical cost of intense mothering on the behind-the-scenes daily lives of most moms.
The Impact on Mental Health
One of the biggest consequences of intense mothering is the toll it takes on mental health. The expectations are intense, and the stakes feel incredibly high. If you aren’t sacrificing everything, are you doing enough?
This sense of pressure can contribute to feelings of anxiety and guilt. You might feel anxious because you’re constantly worrying about whether you’re doing enough for your kids, your partner, and your career. And when you do try to take time for yourself, guilt often swoops in, whispering that you should be spending this time with your family instead. This “never enough” mentality leads many mothers to ignore their own needs and push through burnout, convinced that it’s just part of the job.
When self-care finally makes it onto the to-do list, it often feels like another task to be optimized and perfected. It’s not just enough to go for a walk; you should be walking mindfully, meditating, or even training for a marathon. By turning everything into a performance, we lose the true purpose of self-care—relaxation and renewal.
The Myth of the “Supermom”
The pressure to be a supermom isn’t new, but the expectation to be a supermom and a thriving professional, a dedicated friend, a supportive partner, and a health-conscious individual is overwhelming. Somewhere along the way, we internalized the message that we could—and should—have it all, all at once. But the myth of the supermom has set us up for an impossible task.
Many of us are operating under the belief that every area of our lives needs our attention and perfection, all at the same time. But something’s got to give, and unfortunately, it’s often our own well-being that pays the price. When we’re stretched so thin, it becomes impossible to show up as the best version of ourselves for our families—or for ourselves.
Reframing Motherhood for Our Generation
So how do we start to unravel this intense mothering mindset? First, we can begin by acknowledging that “good enough” is, in fact, good enough. When we can let go of the idea that we need to be perfect, we open up more space to be present and to truly enjoy the moments we have with our kids.
Setting boundaries is crucial, too. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t align with your family’s needs—or with your needs. Learning to delegate, whether at home or work, can be a game-changer in giving you some breathing room.
And finally, self-compassion can go a long way. Cut yourself some slack. The truth is, our kids don’t need us to be perfect; they need us to be happy and present. We can set an example by embracing imperfection, prioritizing our well-being, and showing them what it looks like to live a balanced life.
In the end, maybe the best thing we can do for our kids is to show them what it means to be human—messy, complex, and a little bit selfish in the best ways. Because while intense mothering may promise an ideal, what our kids really need is a mom who’s present, authentic, and fulfilled—not one who’s endlessly chasing perfection.